A couple years ago, I was at the eye doctor with my six-year-old daughter. The doctor asked me more than once, “Why has she been frowning (皱眉) all the time?” I can’t know how much my child’s being a girl shaped his thoughts about her emotional state. But I know that people start expecting girls to show positive expressions early.
Researchers analyzed 16,000 yearbook photographs of students from kindergarten to college. Children showed no significant difference in smiling until age eight or nine. 1[■] The difference peaked by age 14 and continued into adulthood.
We may see such results because as children grow older, they become more aware of societal expectations related to gender roles. 2[■] People may also internalize gender roles portrayed in film and media, where smiling is seen as more common for women and seriousness for men.
In a study, teachers reported that girls were viewed as “peaceful” and “calm” (positive but passive emotions), whereas boys showed more “curiosity” and “anger” (expressive and agentic emotions). 3[■] This is a misconception. No scientific studies have shown that self-control mechanisms are more developed in girls than they are in boys.
Very early on, children learn to manage their emotions in line with societal norms they pick up from their peers and caregivers. Emotional expectations and the offhand comments that children internalize over time harm all kids. 4[■]
Teaching children to manage their emotions is not wrong. But it is important not to expect children to all follow the same pattern. We need to talk with our children about bodily autonomy (自主权). We should also talk about emotional autonomy and how they can better understand their feelings. 5[■] What matters is how they deal with these feelings.