They say to find out what you really want, go back to when you were a child.
When I was a kid, I really wanted to be a painter, but I was never great at it. I was discouraged, because in art classes my paintings were never the most beautiful. In the third grade, we were given a project to create a portrait. I used the skills and tips we were all taught in class. After we were done, we presented our portraits. We stood in front of the class and explained our technique. I remember looking at other portraits thinking, "We were given the same skills, why do theirs look so professional and mine looks so amateur?"
But I still really enjoyed painting because it's a forgiving art. If I don't like what I've put on paper, I can paint over it. I can mix colors and make new ones. Also, I can release some creative juices, use what has inspired me and allow that to pour out of me in a way I may not have imagined.
But because I have always wanted to paint beautiful pictures, I just decided to change what beauty looked like. I changed what beauty meant to me.
Throughout school, they taught us about Picasso, van Gogh and da Vinci, and I never saw myself or my art in their works. These artists were always painting whatever was in front of them and around them. But that's not what I saw around me.
Then I learned about Basquiat, who inspired me to paint abstract pictures. I paint when I'm moved, and I am often moved by what's natural: emotions, nature, and other forms of art. I am also very moved by pain. When there is pain in the world or in my heart, it can be unbearable. I had a conversation with an activist in St. Louis named Spook, and I explained to her this feeling and she told me, "Pain is energy. You have to learn how to channel that energy into something productive." So sometimes I channel that pain into art, into a painting.
Even if the picture doesn't turn out aesthetically(美学地)pleasing by society's standards, it's still beautiful that I was able to create something. My paintings may not be a Basquiat, but they're mine, so I love them anyway.